Today, ok well in all fairness when you read this it will be “one day last week”, I wanted Pizza. My brain, my body, my psyche, my lips, my taste buds – all conspired against me and good grief I wanted me some pizza. Now if you follow along with any regularity you know that I have not been having a lot of good belly days, it’s been a struggle lately – and well – eating Pizza would NOT be a good idea.
So the illness wins again right? You have to appreciate first how the “days” that I have are defined by varying degree, some GREAT days (I can almost eat like a ‘normal person’ and feel ok), some HORRIBLE days (which include vomiting for 12-14-16 hours then sleeping for another 24-36 to recover) and there are a VARIETY of “types of days” in between. There are foods I know I do better with, there are days I know just don’t eat and you won’t get sick, there are days I feed, and days I eat baby food, and days on end where I just don’t eat at all. That’s life and I’m kind of okay with that, I don’t LOVE it but I live with it alright these days; it’s part of my new “normal”.
Today was an in between day, I was not in fact “sick” today, I didn’t vomit and I wasn’t overly nauseated (only 2 Zofran today for my fellow nausea buffs); so overall it by FAR wasn’t a worst day. It also was not a great day, I was sick last night and I know my body well enough to know that eating today would be a bad decision. I’m only down 17 pounds over this last 6 weeks of trouble, and though I can’t feed because my tube is still messed up – I CAN hydrate and I’m doing “alright”. I know though that eating today would be a bad decision…so regardless of the sweet and sultry beckoning of the pizza I so longed for – there was no way I’d be putting any pizza in this body today. I wanted it though…so what do you do?
Today my choice was to live on the thin line between taking back control of my world, and letting my condition dictate every moment of my life. Let me say here and now – I do NOT promote anorexia or bulimia or any other condition (self inflicted or otherwise) that will cause unhealthy situations. It’s important for me to throw that in there because this is the whole point of the blog. Today I WON – ha ha gastroparesis and screw you. I got dressed, I drove my happy ass to the pizza joint and I ordered me a slice – extra crispy with pepperoni please. I stood in line, waited to the side for my order grabbed my slice on my plate in the bag and toddled off to my car – kinda like, well kinda like “a normal person”. Granted I brought my slice home, where I quite happily chewed it – ENJOYED the flavors like the heavens had just parted and shown me the sun for the first time ever – and I spit. Yep I chewed and spit.
I DO realize that “crazy” is a fine line, and so are eating disorders. I do realize that to any “normal” person, the very act of chewing and spitting likely seems unhealthy, but this is how I differentiate my choice from a disease of the mind. If in fact I was having a GREAT day, and that pizza was seducing me with all the eloquence of a Bruno Mars ballad…I would have in fact swallowed the pizza. I DO eat when I can, and I will do so with gusto and appreciation. However I have learned my condition well enough to know when I can’t, and so then you make a choice. Do you “deny” yourself, do you sit and feel sorry for your woes, or do you take back control. To me adventures like this are a WIN, because I in essence “got what I wanted”, I got to behave “like a normal” and didn’t sit here doing the oh poor me thing. I said (in my own mind) screw YOU GP I want that taste, I satisfied my brain, my psyche my taste buds etc. ~ and I got the chance to be “normal” for those moments when I was sitting there with five others all waiting for their “slice(s)”.
It sucks to constantly feel like a part of your life has been stolen from you – for whatever reason. You don’t REALIZE what an intricate role food plays in our day to day living until you have to learn to live WITHOUT it. It’s a victory of sorts to still feel some power, to find some resolution where you feel empowered again. As I said I 100% do NOT encourage or support anyone purging, or otherwise engaging in any activity that will deprive their bodies of nutrition in an effort to meet some twisted standards of what beauty is as dictated by photoshop. Trust me when I CAN eat I do, and with happiness and passion. The months that I was doing well at the end of last year I gained 24 pounds from that passion and I was okay with that, which is also why I’m “okay” with the 17 pounds I’ve lost this last six weeks or so while I’ve been having trouble. I monitor my weight carefully, and I monitor my protein carefully to do my best to ensure that my body gets what it needs to be the best it can be. I maintain a 30 pound window up/down, where I don’t mind if I gain a little because I know when I’m sick I’ll lose and so forth. I won’t allow myself to be unhealthy and gain over my limit, but I also strive to never go UNDER it and I work hard even on my worst days to try to make sure I get 60 grams of protein in to support my body. I’m also a fanatic on hydrating. So as I stated in my headline…define crazy…if you just told someone “oh she chewed and spit today”, they would likely think I needed SERIOUS help. Yet when you know the whole story you realize, making that decision and taking that “power” is one of the healthiest decisions I can make for my situation. Everything is relative and as I often say – PERSPECTIVE is an AMAZING THING….so next time you think someone’s “crazy”, take a minute and ask yourself if you know the whole story. Maybe they are crazy, some days I’m that TOO – but chewing and spitting for me today was a CRAZY VICTORY over my lousy condition! Until next time…much love and as always – thanks fo reading!