Monday 11/2/2015 ~ Addiction

Soooo…yesterday makes 3-months of no smoking – wooo hooo #GOTEAMME.  It’s funny, my bestie is currently trying to quit smoking (like 2 days into the struggle) and it’s a stark reminder that addiction is a BITCH.  Watching her and talking to her the other day had me contemplating what my deal was this time, why was/is it so “easy”.  I mean it’s never “EASY” and I did have a couple of moments where I wanted one, but over all this attempt at quitting was really a pretty smooth transition.

I was having this conversation with my son the other day and I was explaining to him that I view myself as an addict who is not currently active, not as an EX-smoker or EX-addict.  I’ve quit for 2 years or better before and picked it back up like riding a bike.  Easy Peasey Japenessieeee (movie reference people?  Come on who knows)…ok but anywhoots…the reality is that if someone I love dearly were to pass away today, or some other major catastrophic event happened in life i am PAINFULLY aware that it’s quite likely I would/will return to smoking.  I don’t WANT TO I don’t PLAN TO but I’m just a realist and that is my reality.

I remember when I was about 23-24 my grandma’s house burned down and when I got to her yard (I had heard about the fire) she was outside with some family, upset of course!  Gram had not smoked in prolly 15 years and the first thing I heard her say to my cousin was “give me a cigarette”.  BOOM addiction is POWERFUL…

There are degrees of the “type” of damage that addiction might have on your day to day life depending on the TYPE of addiction, but addiction is in fact addiction.  Having this convo with my friend who’s trying to quit smoking the other day, we were discussing the finer points of being an addict.  I kind of had to laugh because in discussing smoking as an “addiction” and discussing a heroin addict we both know (who is clean & sober) she started doing the CLASSIC defense,, well MYYYY addiction is not “as bad” because I’m not going to DIE from one does of my addiction etc.  No judgement dude, I am an addict TOO, a cigarette addict, a food addict, and a word porn addict look man I feel you.  You know you are a genuine addict though when you feel the need to defend your addiction.  There is no defense for smoking – it’s cost money – it’s detrimental to your health and the health of those around you – it blackens your lungs – it shortens your life – it makes your heart and circulatory system fail etc. etc. etc…you cannot defend smoking to me it’s in fact not “better” than any other addiction it’s just different.  I understand it’s YOUR friend, I understand it soothes you, it tastes good, it makes you feel better – it does all of those things for me too.  However, you cannot “defend” smoking as a positive and sound like a rational person.  You are addicted and that’s okay, but the justifications and such that is classic addict behavior.

I can say this because I AM IN FACT AN ADDICT.  Honestly just writing this blog has made me want a Marlboro Light, I won’t in fact have one because I’m happy with my progress at the moment, and not stressed out so I won’t.  I want one though.  Not because it’s a “better choice” than cocaine or heroin, or because it’s “not that bad” …. it’s not a better choice and it IS that bad…but plain and simply I AM AN ADDICT.  I’m always going to be an addict, hopefully I’ll continue to be a INACTIVE addict, meaning that for at least the time being I get to say I’m winning over my addiction…BUT I am aware that I am always going to be an addict.  I am, I am always going to be one stressful moment away from wanting to pick up that bottle, lighter, needle (see how easy the addictions are interchangeable)…yeah your addiction is not better than anyone else’s – they all suck – all addictions control all of us and make us do/think/say/be unsavory things…it’s sad really but I’m here to tell you that you CAN beat that bitch…you just gotta stay on top of it…there’s no breaks in this fight – every day is a struggle.

My love and support today to anyone who is struggling out there, smoking, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex…whatever YOUR poison…know you are NOT ALONE and your addiction DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!  Till next time loves 🙂 Muah

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