The other morning I was blogging and my son happened by and asked me what I was doing, I said “writing a blog”, his response ~ “do you ever write about me?”. I answered him honestly, I really don’t write about him SPECIFICALLY, not yet I haven’t anyways. I might mention him from time to time, but the whole “beginning” of this blog was about having Weight Loss Surgery, and possible complications, having Gastroparesis, dealing with chronic illness, depression, my suicide attempt subsequent to the devastation that the illness brought to my life. I don’t know my blog has really been ” ALL ABOUT ME “, and though I am a mom; the reality is that is only a very small part of who I am – and it’s not the center of the theme of my blog.
However, now that I’ve blogged, what maybe 110 times … I’ve certainly circled around a lot of topics other than those DIRECTLY related to the original theme of the blog, and now today motherhood and my kid is one of them. My “kid” is 21 – for a few more weeks anyways (urgh), and we’ve been through a few things together. I was never one of those “natural born mothers”, in all fairness to HIM, I probably should have stuck with puppies – however I wouldn’t give him back for anything in the world and so he’s stuck with me faults and all. Funny I remember in the very beginning, like literally the first 2 weeks of his life being so overwhelmed and thinking OMFG WTH did I do here, there’s not a MANUAL? How am I supposed to know what to do, what if I screw this up, oh my god I can’t I simply can’t – I’m just not capable. Little did I know that (is it fair to say “most”) mom’s feel this way to some degree. I didn’t realize that until 20 years AFTER he was born I really thought I was the crappiest of all the mom types in the free world that I did not AUTOMATICALLY know exactly what to do for each moment of the day – start to finish – no errors.
i GENUINELY believed that women, “moms” as it were just had a baby and knew EXACTLY what to do each step of the way from there, and that I was somehow lacking that “mom genentic code” so badly that I simply was unfit to even mother. Those feelings led to a hell of a road these past 21 years with “my kid” but here’s some things I learned….all you new and prospective mom types out there LISTEN UP….
- There’s no manual – it’s trial and error
- Every mom is scared
- No mom is perfect
- We all screw it up
- We all cry
- We all fail
- We all wish – we wish we had of done x not y, said this not that, made that choice etc.
- There’s no class – no one teaches you this mom shit – you learn as you go
- Kids will try your LAST nerve in more than one way over the years
- You will love them and you will do your best – and that is all you can do
I have “regrets” in some ways, things I wish I had of known, done better, mistakes I made but at the END of day…my kid is a good person and THAT is a huge accomplishment. Has he made mistakes, yeah he has. Has he hurt me, yep he has – my son had(s) a very severe drug addiction that caused both him and me (and many others) a lot of pain over the years. Am I BEYOND proud that my son has been clean for almost 2-years now – OH HELL YEAH I am. Am I proud of his hard work and his dedication to changing his life and choosing to take responsibility and do something different – GOD YES.
I guess if I were to write about “my kid” those are the things I would say. I screwed up, a lot I’m sorry for all the mistakes I made – and I hope you understand that there was no manual and forgive me. I would say I forgive you, for your mistakes too – because love does not in fact have conditions on it – I love you – AS IS. Lastly and MOST importantly I’m really very proud of you – it’s easy to be a good person when life has been a bed of roses and ivy league handed to you sliver spoon living, it’s not that easy when you’ve been through hell and back and still come out as a good person – now THAT is a man I can respect. I love you – lot’s more than you’ll ever understand and I”m so glad to call you – my kid.
When you meet a clean drug addict you meet a HERO. Their mortal enemy slumbers within them; they can never outrun their disability. They make their way through a world of drug abuse. In an environment that does not understand them. Society, puffed with shameful IGNORANCE, looks on them with contempt. AS IF they were a second class citizen, beause they dare to swim against the stream of drugs – but you MUST know this – NO BETTER PEOPLE are made THAN THIS! ~ Friedrich von Bodelschwingh