Wednesday 9/9/2015 ~ What The Hell

So last week I started walking again, after having gotten sick and having to rebuild strength etc., and it seems that every time I make an effort forward my body decides it’s appropriate to knock me back.  Started “walking” on Monday, Friday afternoon standing in Walgreen’s with a friend and BOOM suddenly gut wrenching pain and I’m nauseated over let’s see – ummm NOTHING.  I literally wasn’t doing anything, didn’t eat anything or drink anything just standing there and boom it hits.  This particular friend hasn’t really ever witnessed an “episode” so was a little like ” ah what do I do ” of course there is nothing you can do.  Then she was asking if it’s going to be be “sick for a little while” or “sick for weeks” and that kind of made me giggle, oh if only I knew I’d get rich off the predictions I could make for others.  When an “episode” begins it might last 4 hours, it might last 4 months I really have no clue and yes that sucks.

In this case it ended up lasting about 3 days, I got the first pain about 3pm on Friday and was vomiting / in bed / in pain until 6:30 Tuesday morning.  Not bad in the grand scheme of things I mean really, what’s 3 days – so much better than 3 weeks and certainly a WIN if I didn’t have to go to the hospital (which I didn’t).  Technically I could have on Saturday but they would have just given me pain meds and and sent me home, and if I was living with the pain it just wasn’t worth it.  It’s actually amazing how bad it has to be these days to be “worth it” to actually go to the hospital.

Not goinna lie, got a little depressed this morning though because it’s ground zero all over again, literally just washing my sheets and taking a shower today is going to exhaust me beyond belief and I freaking HATE feeling like this.  I fucking hate it, I hate that people ask me “what happened” like honestly if I KNEW a cause and effect how could anyone think I would continue to engage in the cause – freaking shoot me already.  There is no EXPLANATION for it, it has no rhyme or reason, and not matter HOW MANY TIMES YOU ASK ME the only thing your question serves to do is make me feel a little worse about being sick.  I hate it too trust me and if there were any magic answers I’d be oh so happy to share them!  So obviously the theme for this week is control my frustration, with my condition, with the questions surrounding my illness, with my set backs, with my hating to feel so used up and run down over “nothing”, with myself with my life.  

Breathing deep and remembering that not every day is as difficult as THIS day and that my days are SO MUCH easier than the days that some have to endure and trying to maintain a perspective that I so often preach.  It’s not always easy though and this week it’s in fact not easy – ok off the soap box back to life – here’s hoping your week is a positive one and if so – send me some sunshine would ya? 🙂

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