Monday 8/31/2015 ~ Carry On & Count Your Blessings

So I’ve been horribly absent from my blogging, not from any lack of fodder but more just from being seriously overwhelmed and a bit depressed.  So many things going on, not all bad – but a huge amount of stressors at the moment and well ~ just getting by.

Lets see, my son came home from prison in the beginning of August, certainly a positive thing by all means.  He’s been clean for 21 months on his release, and that alone fills my heart.  It’s still a stressful thing though.  Living with someone again, dealing with his parole officer, getting him to all of his appointments etc.  Obviously he comes home without a job so the financial stress of the extra gas, food etc. – it’s simply more expensive for two people to live than one.  Especially when you hardly eat at all and the second person is a 21 year old 200 pound male who eats more in a week than I do in a month.  Being on a fixed income makes those adjustments extra difficult.  He’s been looking for a job, and doing applications EVERY DAY since he got out; including making contacts and follow up calls – so it’s not like I’m stressed that he’s not trying.  I’m stressed that in the meantime I can’t afford to feed him and my “gas bill” with all the things he has to do for parole etc. has tripled in the last three weeks.  Thank god it’s not five dollars a gallon anymore or I’d really be screwed.  However, by the grace of god he is doing well ~ and having spoke to man this past week who’s son is in a coma and on life support due to a heroin overdose I think I’ll just suck up the struggle and count my blessings in this area!

What else, on the “financial” front the landlord hired a new management company who started off their introductions with “here’s the new rent, here’s the new deal, we don’t care when social security deposits your check shits due on the first or you are being evicted”.  Hmmm ok, breath deep, no stress here – I’ve been a “month behind” for two years due to GETTING the social security etc. and how they pay – they don’t pay on a “date” for me – they pay the second Wednesday which I have to say sucks.  It also sucks to come home to a note taped to the door saying “hey hope you are having a nice summer piss out a grand by Friday or we are starting eviction proceedings on you.  Yeah so that added some stress to my last week or so.  Once again by the grace of god I took a deep breath, and instead of falling apart I muddled through it.  Okay okay – I did fall apart a LITTLE bit – but I didn’t come unhinged and I just took what I could do, prayed, prayed some more, talked to them, was blessed with some help from a dear friend and it all worked out.  Tight, and hard but I’ve survived worse – just in the last 4-years I’ve survived worse so I’m grateful for the blessings and trying not to dwell on the stress parts of it.  So many people are going to sleep on a cardboard box tonight so I’m not complaining about my stress.

As you may have read on the “health front” the surgeon I was all excited about in Brooklyn has declined to even consider operating on me, not for a bypass and not for a pacemaker.  Those two things are the only “potential treatments” left for my gastroparesis; and he said he would not consider me a candidate for either due to the sorted and traumatic surgical history of my insides.  So basically that was like the last hope being ripped out from under me, that day sucked big weiners let me just tell ya.  Upside to THAT story is that I’ve gotten to know a nice gentleman who works for the company that makes the pacemakers and HE took my medical history to a doctor in Jersey who in fact has dealt with a couple people in similar boats to mine, and he is at least willing to see and evaluate me.  I have to wait till my Medicare comes through in November – but hey what’s another couple of months.

In other news the dating scene has been interesting to say the least, I would seriously consider joining a convent if they didn’t have such strict rules lol.  I don’t understand people who think it’s “all about them” and I’m so not chasing anyone who does.  :0(  Well not giving up on that yet either but alas the last month in that area has been a little more turmoil than I can handle right now so it’s back burnering for a minute.

At the end of all of that – and the MORAL of my story is that I’m doing “okay”.  Stress as rule plays hell with Gastroparesis and it’s very easy to succumb to a flare up when the stress level in your life is high.  Combined with the fact that I’ve “on the go” six days a week (taking my son to meetings, classes, parole etc., my doctors, friends doctors just everything), and have not really been able to rest as I normally do – I’ve been holding up pretty good.  I’ve been sick a couple of days but I’ve made conscious choices to try to limit life’s impact on my stomach, and I’ve worked very hard to NOT GET SICK.  I don’t want to jinx it but I think I”ve been doing pretty good.  Oh yeah and on top of all that I stopped smoking on August 2nd and so yesterday made one month of no smoking ~ GO ME.

Nothing else very exciting happening in my world right now, I was wanting to do a walk for suicide prevention at the end of September but in 4-months and after multiple Facebook postings I was not able to get a single donation and I can’t afford it so I guess that’s off the calendar for now.  Hoping I can get back to some semblance of “regular” blogging – I find it cathartic, and I kind of miss talking to you guys (even if “you guys” is only myself lol).  Hey, thanks for stopping by  –  hoping you are doing well and the take away here is to HAVE FAITH – have faith in SOMETHING and don’t let this life beat you, count your blessing and get up every day with a desire to do something more!

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