Tuesday 4/28/2015 ~ Nerves About Friday’s Procedures

    Well this Friday I will be having an Endo, for anyone who has dealt with weight loss surgery or gastroparesis, this is kind of like getting your blood pressure taken.  I don’t know how many Endo’s a “normal” person might undergo in their lifetime, but I can tell you that starting in 2006 with the one prior to my surgery until now – I’ve had at LEAST 15 in the last ten years.  So what’s the point really in going in there with a camera yet AGAIN, I mean we KNOW it doesn’t work right  –  and honestly there is a part of me that thinks yeah why we bothering?!?!  However there is another part of me that thinks well – god forbid anything HAS changed in there then at least we will know.  Endo’s for me are particularly fun every time someone new does one.  They are always in some twisted way excited to see someone who’s had the RNY reversed, it’s such an odd thing to see – quite rare actually.  I actually searched on the internet to see what % of bypass patients are reversed and apparently the number is so low that it has not even warranted a statistic.  

    So here I am in all my splendid FUNKY intestinal glory – and in five short days yet another doctor will have the pleasure of looking inside my funked up insides.  I remember the last doctor who did a scope on me, he spent more time after my scope telling me how amazing it was the way they reversed my bypass than telling me HIS actual findings.  I get that when you are a painter you appreciate art, the writer appreciates the beauty of the written word, the equestrian the beauty of the steed ~ but hey guys on the other side of that camera is a person who can’t freakin eat here – HELLOOOOOOO.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, though my current g.i. does in fact NOT specialize in motility, I really do genuinely like him and his approach.  He doesn’t discount the gastroparesis as so many doctors do, his thoughts and ideas make common and logical sense to me and for that I appreciate him more than he could ever know.  So I’m hopeful that this “look see” inside will at LEAST result in a fair evaluation of the current status of my guts and not just in a review of awe and wonder at them.

Then of course they are also doing the colonoscopy on Friday, always a fun time aye?  Honestly I don’t have much anxiety over the actual procedure in this case my anxiety is centered around both the “getting ready” for it and the “results”.  As you know if you have even minimally followed my blog “pooping” is in EVERY conceivable way an issue for me, and what is a normal like 16 hour prep ~ for me will be more like 72 hours worth of prep.  He gave me a whole host of things to do in the days leading up to the taking of the stuff that a “normal” person takes to prep for one.  I’m not looking forward to it because bowel movements on a “regular” day are generally quite painful for me, and also involve vomiting during about 98% of the time.  The thought of spending 3-4 days in this state of discomfort and misery does not appeal to me.  I’ll do it because I know that I have to in order to get any answers and results/treatments, but I honest to god am dreading these next few days.  The one bonus that I do have is that I don’t have to DRINK any of the stuff that is needed to do the prep, every bit of it can go through my feeding tube ~ trying to appreciate the silver lining here lol.  

     Beyond the stress of the prep though is the stress of the results, what are they going to say/find.  How distended and damaged ARE my bowels, what CAN be done to help them and my greatest fear of ALL is to hear that at some point in the future my solutions may be limited.  I am certainly not yet at the point of needing a colostomy bag ~ but it is something that lingers in the back of my mind as a sheer terror to my psyche.  The tube, well I’ve adjusted; I’ve long since come to terms with it and actually welcome it as something that really does help to improve my quality of life.  This whole arena though, I’m scared of every answer to be 100% honest.  Nerve and muscle repair require surgeries that certainly carry with them their own risks, everything from the “standard” surgical risks to not having enough bowel left TO repair to oh my goodness things I just don’t want to consider.  I realize there is not point in getting myself in a knot over the possible outcomes, and to do NOTHING and keep living in hell is not the answer either ~ but it doesn’t make it any easier to know that.

    I guess times like this I have fleeting moments of – SHOULD I in fact regret ever having the bypass?  I don’t know, I mean if I did NOT have it then even if I HAD the stone in my liver it would have been an easy fix and I would not have had that additional surgery in 2011 that I feel did all this damage.  The other side of the coin is – that bypass was in 2006 – now nine years later if I had NOT had it what would my weight be?  What other medical conditions would I have developed, would I be diabetic, have high blood pressure, have heart trouble?  I think that the likelihood is much higher that the answer is yes to all those things, but I can’t say for certain.  I guess I always try to live my life with the outlook that I really would NOT change anything in my past.  If I were to change one thing in my past then my life today could be in a completely different (and much worse) place than it is right now.  Everyone has a cross to bear (if not many) in this game we call life, and I’m not so sure that I WOULD want to trade mine for someone else’s.  That being said my momentary lapse of possible regret is quickly left by the wayside, and I realize that I would not change a thing.  I do not regret my bypass, or any other choices along the way ~ I was meant to be where I am and I appreciate the many blessings that I have.  So onward and upward – just gotta deal with nerves and prep these next few days and get myself to Friday!  



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