i recently made a post in a “gastroparesis support group” I am in. It was a post about not having a good day, not wanting to eat that day but needing to eat and all of the feelings physical mental and emotional that go along with it. At the end of the post, I don’t even recall EXACTLY what I said but i made some kind of funny comment and put up a laughing face emoticon. Mind you I do not find my condition “FUNNY” in any way, but if I did not find HUMOR in some of what I go through I’d end up being suicidal again – so I laugh – a LOT. Well I felt so bad after my post because right after I posted it a woman in the group commented ~ “Don’t Laugh! Nothing is funny here, you know some of us would give ANYTHING to be able to eat some cottage cheese!!” That was it there was no winky face, nothing to indicate that she was “joining in on the humor” – because she in fact wasn’t. She was having a very bad week, hospitalized, not eating and so so sick etc. So I pondered for a moment and I did answer her and I just said that I was sorry if I offended her, that was in no way my intent ~ and of course it wasn’t! I explained that I’ve gone as long as ten full months taking nothing orally at all and thinking I would never eat again and so on. She ultimately added a note that said “I’m sorry, I’m really just having a horrible week” and that kind of thing, and we ended up having a short discussion on the thread and heck I completely understand her frustrations so no hard feelings.
The entire exchange though just had me thinking about HUMOR and it’s “place” in the lives of those living, not just with GP, but anyone dealing with any kind of f*&^%#$ed up situation like this. I’m really not sure where I would be WITHOUT my humor, my guess is still suicidal. Let me tell you there is a never ending of supply of things to make sick jokes about when you can’t eat, can’t poop, have a tube ~ omg there really is no limit to the laughs one can illicit from anyone who has a slightly twisted outlook on life. Twisted being my personal specialty I find it easy to flow with the humor of it all. I felt badly that my “humor” rubbed her so wrong when she was feeling so poorly though and that is NEVER my intent, I can be a bitch by ALL means but I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone – ever.
So I guess that I’d just like to say to anyone I’ve ever before, or ever will in the future offend with my penchant towards embracing the twisted laughs in my life – I am sorry. I do not mean to be offensive, I am neither amused by nor find humor in the suffering of others or my own. I have deep empathy and compassion for anyone who suffers in any way, and my heart breaks at some of the stories I hear. For myself though – I have to laugh because if I just cried all the time then my life would no longer be worth living. I figure every day I have a choice I can find the humor, reap the benefits of the laughter and “make the best of it”, or I can concentrate on the hell that comes along with this crap I’m dealing with and live in a constant state of personal pity party and misery. I choose laughter (well most days anyways) and it’s only to help maintain my own sanity and will to live – NEVER to hurt anyone else or to be inconsiderate or uncaring. Laughter is indeed my “best” medicine until they come up with a cure for this crap I’m dealing with, and if you are suffering in any way I hope that you too can find SOMETHING worth a smile today because it truly does make life worthwhile.