Tuesday 4/14/2015 ~ Current Struggles

    Every day at the moment is a stark reminder of what my deal is, and not a good reminder.  I want to say the last two months, but particularly the last two weeks have been pretty hard.  About four days ago I actually put myself back to a completely soft diet, applesauce, baby food, cottage cheese, yogurt that kind of thing.  In very SMALL amounts here and there, even that doesn’t seem to be helping at the moment.  Saturday I skipped a function because I just KNEW that even the smells of the foods would take me from unyielding nausea to vomiting, not much fun to visit when you just want to barf.  I slept most of the day, and yesterday I woke up almost feeling a LITTLE better.  After being up for 45-minutes the nausea started but it was such a beautiful day I really did not want to spend it in bed again.  So I took a Zofran and went for a ride with my friend, on a little ride about – visit.  Of course there was food, and the Zofran was working and I haven’t eaten anything in about five days so I thought “hmmm”, well needless to say that didn’t go well either.

  I took a half a pickle, a chicken wing and a tablespoon of potato salad; I knew better.  One bite of pickle and one bite of potato and POOF the work the Zofran had done to alleviate my nausea was gone.  So at that point I decided to “chew and spit” on the chicken wing, sounds gross but don’t eat for a few days weeks or months, and then get back to me on how you feel about that lol.  Ahh well, I was at least told I was “discreet” about it, I do try to not gross anyone out and do it as inconspicuously as possible.  I was at a little outside informal gathering with friends and family, not a five-star restaurant by the way.  So by about an hour into the “visit” I was nauseous and in pain again, and honestly just wanted to cry ~ I’m so sick of this.  Funny someone asked me in a short conversation about it, “so this is it?  there’s no hope?”, the correct answer unfortunately is yep this is it, this is the rest of my freaking life.  That sounds so depressing even to me though that my answer goes something more like “well yeah kindof, but hopefully there will be some development in treatment down the road”.  Still, depressing even for me ~ and I get so tired of even talking about it.

    I say that not because I MIND anyone asking what’s going on or how I’m doing.  I completely understand that people ask because they care and they are trying to understand, on an intellectual level I get that 100%.  On an emotional level though it’s trying sometimes, I don’t even want to think about it my OWN mind let alone talk about it ~ and I feel like the biggest BORE in the world talking about it all the time.  I’d rather hear about your kids, or talk about the latest movie, or hell as much as I hate politics – TALK TO ME ABOUT HILIARY RUNNING FOR OFFICE – just anything besides my lousy guts and how miserable my life is because of them!  That’s unfair to say really, because my life is not “miserable”.  I’m so blessed with amazing people, and so many things that others don’t have ~ but at my worst times (like currently) my guts seem to demand the spotlight in both my own personal life and my interactions in life.

    My life literally centers around whether or no my stomach and bowels are going to “work” today or torture me today.  Making plans is great, until I wake up so sick that my only escape is to go back to sleep.  Even trying to do little things around the house is an absolute struggle on days that my insides are being LESS than cooperative.  So that’s my world “this week”, last week too I guess but it’s seeming particularly difficult right now.  

    I do go see the gastroenterologist in 8 more days, so that’s a plus, the minus is that 8 days feels like a lifetime at the moment.  Today’s prescription is to try to concentrate on anything but how sick I feel, and try to stay out of bed and at least feel human for a few hours.  To try to keep the depression that week after week keeps creeping back up at bay and not let this “bad spell” bring me down so far that I lose ground emotionally/mentally.  It’s not easy at the moment, can’t even lie ~ in a real struggle with the depression demon at the moment.  I guess I’m glad that I’m “winning” the struggle lol, but I’ll be glad when something gives a little and I have a couple of brighter days.  It’s funny doing the blog, the fb page, the twitter page and the groups is actually helping keep me mentally above water; it’s like an “accountability” in one way and then in another way it’s a reminder that mine is not “the worst of the worst”.  I don’t mean that to sound like I take any pleasure in the fact that anyone is doing or feeling badly, I certainly do not.  However hearing some of the hell some others are living with does help one to maintain a little perspective on ones own situation.  So I’m grateful for that, and I’m grateful for Paxil, and I’m grateful that I felt “good enough” to not JUST stay in bed today.  I’m not doing much, but at least the Zofran is warding off the nausea for the moment and I’m going to see how I do with some baby food in a little while.

    Not a particularly captivating blog today, and I’m sorry for that ~ but just an honest review of “this is where it’s at and it sucks right now” lol, ah well; I’ll shoot for something more positive tomorrow!  

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